Unapologetic

Sitting in the backseat of Kathy's two-door whatever-it-was, I watched the bright yellow lights and dark blue shadows slide over my window as we drove through the darkness.  The radio blared a modern pop tune that Kathy and Lauren knew every word to.

I nodded my head in time with the music until the radio DJ announced, "OK, time to change it up a little, here on...The Mix."  The song changed to a slightly slower 80's ballad and Kathy groaned and started flipping through stations.

"Ugh, I hate 80's music.  It's all exactly the same and it's not musical at all."

Now I don't pretend to be a big-time 80's music lover, but I couldn't believe anyone could think such a thing.  80's music not musical?  Hello!  Anyone heard of Journey?  Van Halen?  How about Madonna?  Michael Jackson?  To say the 80's didn't produce anything "musical" is like saying the pope isn't Catholic.  Like I say, I don't care too much about the 80's.  And you're perfectly welcome to hate 80's music if that's the way your musical tastes lean.  But for Kathy to say that 80's music "isn't musical at all" bugged me to no end.  So, I said something...

"I dunno, I think you get some really great, musical stuff from the 80's.  I mean Michael Jackson's music might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's certainly musical."

Kathy exhaled in one big huff.  "I don't think so.  I think it all sounds the same.  80's music doesn't have any redeeming value."

"No redeeming value?  Journey is an 80's group and you were saying just last night how much you love them.  Are you saying they have no redeeming value?"

"You know," Kathy said through gritted teeth as she took the next street corner a little too fast, "I really, really hate those people who have to argue about every little thing.  And always have to be right.  I have my opinion.  I like the music that I like and I hate people who think that by arguing with you they're going to change that."

I couldn't believe it.  Granted, I did know that I was right.  But I didn't feel that I'd tried to change Kathy's musical tastes, just pointed out that there was redeeming value for others in music that she did not enjoy.  If anything, I felt that she'd tried to negate my opinion by making such broad generalizations and trying to portray them as absolute truth.  Kathy and I both harumphed to ourselves for the rest of the drive while Lauren tried unsuccessfully to make polite conversation between us.

That was two years ago.  Since then, I've learned that sometimes I do have a tendency to enter a conversation as if it were a debate.  And in a debate, you state your opinion as truth and then defend it while attacking the opposite opinion.  I've learned through talking with some very good friends that this might not be the best way to make a friend feel like you actually care about them or what they think.

If you are one of these people whom I have offended in this way, I would like to extend my formal apology to you now.  Please try to understand that I was brought up in a home where debate was our bread and butter.  We all had a tendency to assert our opinions as if it were an absolute truth, regardless of how irrational they may be.  As a result, we would often spar about various topics.  It was our version of an intellectual discussion and it was how I learned.  Sometimes it gets very difficult for me to remember that such behavior amongst others can be extremely rude.

Since coming to this realization, I have taken steps to try to fix the problem.  In such a case as the one I mentioned above, I have slid into a pattern of simply saying, "I dunno, I kinda like it."  A safe statement of my own tastes typically shuts down any bashing on the things I like or the people who like them.  Or sometimes, such as with those whom I don't know so well, I'll play it even safer ("Oh really?") and then just let them talk until they're done.

Like I say, this is the safe option.  But today I came to a new realization...

I was sitting in on a writing class that I would really like to add but is too full for me.  The students fortunate enough to actually be in the class were discussing an essay by Montaigne.  One of the students remarked how unapologetic Montaigne was in asserting his opinions.  He kinda phrases it in a "Hey, this is just me" kind of way, but he still is unafraid to make his opinions known.

It made me realize that Kathy, and others like her, have made me afraid to say what I think--to be myself when I know that the people around me won't like the "me" that I reveal.  My polite phrases have been my way of hiding.  If I never take chances, then...qu'est ce que le point?

I'm not saying I'm going to go back to being rude and making you feel stupid.  I've learned a little more in the past couple of years about how to make my point known without being so insensitive.  But I'm not going to be afraid anymore to say what I think.