Picture Book--Draft 1

OK, first draft of my picture book.  I used the idea I talked about in my last post and changed the name of the main character to Jackie.  It's still a really rough draft, so naturally it's lousy.  Keep in mind as you read that the numbers at the end of each phrase show how many pages that phrase is taking up.

It was Jackie’s birthday. (1)

Her mom had made her a big, whipped-cream-covered birthday cake with a big number four on it.  (2)

Jackie was so excited she ran around the kitchen. “Jackie, don’t run!” said Jackie’s mom. (2)

 “It’s time to go!” said Jackie’s dad.  He pulled the car out of the garage for everyone to get in.  Jackie was so excited, she ran around the car.  “Jackie don’t run!” Mom said. (2)

When they got to the park, Jackie’s mom and dad opened the car trunk.  They pulled out the cake, balloons, and…PRESENTS! (2)

Mom and Dad had to walk slowly with all the birthday things.  But Jackie was so excited, she ran down the hill to the park.  “Jackie don’t run!” shouted her mom. (2)

Jackie kept running.  But then, Jackie fell.  (1)

She slipped and she slid until finally she stopped. (1)

Jackie’s head hurt and there was a lot of blood.  Mom and Dad were too far away.  “I’m going to die,” Jackie thought, and she cried. (2)

Then a big man came and picked Jackie up.  He carried her back up the hill to her mom and dad. (2)

When the big man put Jackie down, Mom helped Jackie clean up her cut and put a band-aid on it.  “Are you ok now?” the big man asked.  Jackie nodded and said, “Thank you for saving my life.”  He laughed and said, “Any time.” (2)

When Jackie’s friends got to her birthday party, they couldn’t wait to play.  Jackie was so excited, she began to run with her friends to the playground…“Jackie, don’t run!” shouted her mom. (1)

Jackie stopped and walked to the playground. (1)

When the birthday party was over, Jackie’s mom said, “Thank you for not running, Jackie.  I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.”  (2)

“I love you too, Mom,” said Jackie. (1)


So yeah...I left a lot of description and things out because I want the illustrations to say as much as possible about the surroundings and even about the characters.  Like I say, it's a first draft so it's bound to be lousy.  I'd appreciate as many comments as possible telling me how to make it less lousy.  Also, I want to get as much characterization in there as possible, so if you knew me as a 4-year-old, or if you have/know a kid who fits this character, please post and tell me what I/they were like.  Thanks!